1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
