Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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