i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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