I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
