Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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