are you still at the devil's house?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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