i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
