A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
