My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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