Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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