When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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