i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
