I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
