The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You took a bar mat shot.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
