I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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