im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
