is your mom at the bar?
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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