TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
