My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
