I accidentally burped into my bong.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
