No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
