Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize