Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
