Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
