He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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