Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
