Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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