Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
