seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
