u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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