I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Only a mothe r could love this liver
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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