People with herpes should wear stickers.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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