I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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