ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
