Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
