im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
