I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
