i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
