She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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