I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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