i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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