The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
