Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
