Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Found the puke drawer
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
