god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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