so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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