why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
