So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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