I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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