no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
